I Wrote You a Letter

This was a letter to my friend. If you just don’t get it, fear not, this letter is also for you.

Dearest Friend,

I wrote a mini essay. I’m not sorry about it. I am sorry in advance for any typos or missing words that you find while reading this. I just got off work and started writing. I appreciate that you are genuinely trying to understand where I’m coming from. It also means that you’re willing to listen to what I have to say, so I’ll just start where I see fit and see where it goes from there.

First of all let’s establish some credibility: I’m not expert. I’m not perfect. Sometimes I question if I’m wrong, and if I am, I will accept the criticisms and learn from it. That’s how I get smarter. What’s different between me and most of the people that you’re talking to about feminism is that I’m well-read in this area. I’ve written papers, watched videos, documentaries, interviews, read scholarly articles, essays, dissertations, social criticisms, and a whole lotta other shit. Not everyone is like that. Not everyone is an intellectual. I’m not trying to sound like an elitist, but I know more about feminism and social justice than your average bear. I welcome the questions and the curiosity, but you’ve got to be willing to hear it. Otherwise, it’ll be like talking to brick wall and based on of what you’ve told me that is what you’re experiencing when you try to get feedback from other people.

One of the coolest things I learned in my gender class this past year is that talking about certain things is going to make people feel uncomfortable, which is a normal reaction. For example, I was uncomfortable with being valued as a lesser individual than most people in our society, while others had to find a way to deal with the discomfort of having more privilege and being valued as more. So, if what I start to talk about makes you feel uncomfortable it’s good because we’re going to explore new territories and learn something as a result.

So to start, one of the things I learned in Advanced Lit. in high school is that definitions of words in dictionaries are never wholesome. Otherwise, things like poetry, literature, and speeches lose the beauty of their meaning. What dictionaries rarely tell you about certain words are their connotations and in certain contexts how the meanings of those words change. For example, the word nigga can be thrown around in rap songs and occasionally between a group of Black people. I can’t entirely explain why that is, but it is what it is. However, when Paula Dean drops the word nigga (or nigger), all hell breaks loose because the meaning is different.

The reason I brought that up is because the words female and girl and woman are not the same for me. I knew that you meant no harm at all. I knew that, but I felt that it was right for me to explain to you how those words are not interchangeable. It probably made English a little harder, but it was my way of sparing you from an awkward conversation in the future with a boss or someone important. I’m also not one to just let people go with things like that. I call people out and I’m not shy about it. If some say that’s gay or retarded or they raped an exam or how they got gypped, I will call them out and tell them why I called them out because it’s a learning moment. The first time I learned about it, my teacher corrected me in front of 50 peers and she did it to every student for the entire semester because they are not interchangeable and she explained why. It’s not something to be taken personally, it’s just a learning moment. Furthermore, that type of language is a byproduct of patriarchy, which brings me to my next point.

Patriarchy, to me, is not the definition that you find the dictionary. It’s much more than that. Patriarchy isn’t just living in a society that is dominated by men, but it is an important factor–I’ll write about that more in a minute. Patriarchy is the system that perpetuates ranking or castes systems in our culture via privilege. It trickles down to race, gender, sexuality, masculinity, femininity, able-bodiedness, education, socioeconomic status, basic rights, and so much more. Those things trickle down to clothing and sports and restrictions on what is and isn’t the norm. Patriarchy is the system that hurts and oppresses every single one of us, men and women alike. So when you offer wack solutions like matriarchy (no offense) I laugh because they aren’t any better than what we have now. It just puts people with different sex organs in power and that’s not what feminism is about. Feminists want equality; I want equality.

A true feminist should probably be called something like an equalist–yes I am borrowing this term from a children’s show. Some people confuse it with communism, socialism, and extremist behavior, but that is not it (although some feminists will argue that capitalism perpetuates patriarchy). A true feminist just wants equality at the core. Equal representation, equal rights, equal opportunities, and to not be objectified or seen as a child vessel or breeder over the human being that she is. That is feminism. I’ll tie it back into patriarchy in a minute, but we’re gonna hop topics first.

In patriarchal societies, women are valued as lesser beings. Lighter skin is more valued that dark skin. Large, strong, masculine men are valued more than effeminate, smaller men. Homosexuality and even monogamy is seen as something outside of the norm despite the fact that research shows that every single species of mammal displays homoerotic and occasionally polygamist behavior. It’s society and the system of patriarchy that suggests otherwise.

To answer your question about male-dominated societies, this ideology that men hold power more than women throughout the course of history is a bit of a fluke. In regards to western culture, it’s something that’s been a thing since the Roman Empire and the development of Christianity with Eve, the first woman, being a temptress that tricked Adam, the first man, into eating the fruit and single-handedly ruining paradise because of a serpent. However, women in other cultures have ruled just as much as men. Cleopatra, Nefertiti, Queen Victoria, Queen Elizabeth I, Empress Dowager Cixi. It’s weak research that argues that men and women are not equal or that men and women think differently, but it’s crap. Research needs to be looked at very critically because not all findings are strong and just because someone is a doctor doesn’t mean that they know jack shit. It’s okay to question authority because authority is not always right. You have men body builders and women body builders. You’ve got men and women in science, in politics, in math, in classrooms, in business and in religion.

Here’s another gimmick: women take up much less space than men in every sense of the word in our culture. Women are quieter, strive to be smaller (because smallness is deemed attractive), cross their legs, and they are generally awkward in playing sports. This isn’t natural, it’s learned behavior. Teach little girls to wear dresses, skirts, and heels because it’s feminine and then tell them to not show their underwear while playing. Suddenly you have little girls that can’t climb trees, play on monkey bars, go down slides, or run. Little boys, however, are louder, wear pants, get dirty, and can do so much more because of not wearing skirts and 4 inch stilts. With this mindset while growing up, it follows men and women into adulthood and becomes a product of patriarchy. This is one of the reasons why men are successful. They’re comfortable speaking up, speaking loudly, and being aggressive and forward (which are important leadership skills) while women are told that they should be seen and not heard while growing up. When women do act like “men,” for example Margaret Thatcher or Hillary Clinton, they called things like bitches, monsters, witches and so much more.

To talk about how patriarchy works, research shows that people who are rich control what is valued in a society. Unfortunately in western culture, most of the rich people are middle-aged white men. They own tv networks, production companies, publishing companies, and radio stations. They own a lot of things that illustrate their values and when those values trickle down to people like you and I, we either accept them or reject them. Sadly a lot of people blindly accept these values and strive to insert them into their own lives. Black women bleach their skin to be lighter and wear weaves to have long hair that looks “normal” and euro-centric. White women are burning their skin to get darker and straighten their hair. Men are going to the gym and working out to get bigger and banging chicks to show their masculinity. There’s so much more depth to this is the system of patriarchy, but the point is that it’s all fucked up and it sucks for all of us.

Throughout my life I’ve always felt it. The wrongness of what was expected of me. I always questioned the norm and authority. My mother actually encouraged that sort of behavior. So I spoke my mind when they told me to hush in class, I did sports when I wasn’t supposed to, and I cut my hair when it was supposed to be pretty and long. I laugh as loud as I want, sing and dance when I want, kiss who I want, and it’s liberating to not be bound by those expectations. Men are expected to be tall, strong, have jobs, date and fuck “beautiful” women that are feminine. Men are expected to not display emotions or talk about their feelings because that’s girlie and when men do those things they get called pussies and sissies. The worst thing a man can be called is a woman. That’s patriarchy hurting both of us.

So how do we fight patriarchy? We talk about it. We have uncomfortable conversations. We learn from each other. We do research. We read books. We take action. We write to senators, protest, and get on soapboxes. We fight back for what’s ours and break norms like nobody’s business. You destroy patriarchy by being true to yourself, by being human and treating everyone else around you like they are human too.

I hope this inspires more questions. I still want to grab beers.

-O