How to Compliment: A Message for The Nice Guys

Based on the comments from the last two posts, women seem to know what we’re talking about in regards to street harassment and men seem confused.

Men (especially Nice Guys), I dedicate this to you.

Lemme break it down.

Almost every women fears men every day.

Yes, I know that is very hard to believe, but hear me out.

Women fear dangerous men, but no one knows what a dangerous man looks like so every man is treated as a potential threat until assumed otherwise.

Crazy, but real.

Can you describe what dangerous man looks like and where he lurks?

No. Because a dangerous man just looks like a man.

To further emphasize my point, harassment and sexual assault happens everywhere.

On the street.

In the work place.

In the classroom.

At parties.

Behind closed doors.

In public.

At work.

In child care.

In the privacy of our own bedrooms.

Any simple action from a man is enough to make any woman feel scared including an innocent “Good morning.”

Why?

Because women live in a rape culture.

We live in a culture that tells us that it’s okay to chase a woman and tell her that you love her when she clearly doesn’t want to be loved by you.

We live in a culture that tells us that it’s okay to kiss a woman when you didn’t even ask her if it was okay first.

We live in a culture that teaches women to take self-defense classes, carry pepper spray, and walk in groups at night over teaching people to not take advantage of women.

Women live in a rape culture.

Women live in a constant state of fear of getting hurt.

24/7.

I know. It’s crazy and it sucks.

Example:

Today, I went to a coffee shop with my friend in the afternoon and I was very wary of the small old man standing close behind me. While he was probably harmless I was nervous and uncomfortable that he was standing so close to me. I wondered if he was going to try and touch me or whisper in my ear. I worried that he trying to smell me or something.

I took two steps forward to create space and he still walked up enough for me to feel his breath on my neck. For all I know he could have been daydreaming about unicorns.

But my point is that I was legitimately scared.

Here’s another example:

Yesterday, I was chatting with a colleague who was telling a story about how her guy friend used to take a short cut through the woods to get home. Then one day he asked her why she took the long way home every time.

Women can walk through the woods, but not safely because in the back of our heads we know that it’s a perfect place to get raped, murdered, buried and rot.

Men rarely have to think like that because of male privilege, which means not having to worry about things like constantly protecting yourself.

Another example:

Before a date, my girlfriends and I tell each other the first and last name of the guy we’re going out with, where we’re going, where he lives, and how to come and get us in case things get bad. Then, we call each other when we get home to make sure that we’re okay.

That is what rape culture is. It always being on-guard, it’s always thinking of the worst, and it’s being always ready for fight or flight. It’s a constant state of fear.

And it sucks.

It sucks for you. It sucks for us.

Dangerous or not, you are being held accountable for the acts of few and it sucks.

It sucks because a genuine “Good morning” or even a simple compliment is going to make her question if you are trying to take advantage of her.

For almost every man that interacts with a woman, especially strangers, most women will briefly (as in a few milliseconds) question if that man is dangerous.

Is it fair? No, but it’s better for her to be safe than sorry.

So what can you do as a Nice Guy?

Be conscious about your approach.

That’s it.

Here’s an example of a simple exchange:

You spot a beautiful woman reading a book on a bench as you’re walking your dog in the morning. You’re going to say something to her.

STOP!

You probably shouldn’t bother ANYONE in the middle reading a book EVER because that’s just frustrating. The best thing you could is leave her alone because she clearly does not want to be engaged with the outside world.

That’s how it should work. You don’t know if five other guys already walked by and did the exact same thing that you wanted to do. And she’s clearly not interested in wanting to hear that she’s beautiful.

Yes, she’s super pretty. I get it, but she wants to read her book. I don’t care if you think she’s the love of your life; she is physically sitting in a “Do Not Disturb” position.

“If you speak to a woman who is otherwise occupied, you’re sending a subtle message. It is that your desire to interact trumps her right to be left alone.” – Sweet Machine

Also, being told that you’re beautiful is kind of like a scene from this movie:

How to Offend a Woman in Five Syllables or Less

Yes, it’s a compliment, but in that moment you tell her that her value is based on her beauty. In that moment you disturbed her to tell her that you think she is ONLY worth talking to AS A RESULT of being pretty when she’s not interested. In that moment, you believe that you have the right to tell her that she is beautiful just because you think you’re doing something nice by complimenting her since you believe she is only desirable and worth talking to solely based on her physical appearance.

That is street harassment.

Please don’t do that.

It’s uncomfortable and it’s scary.

Some women might enjoy that, but plenty find it annoying after a while. You are one person in a long string of people that have told her this throughout her life.

What was gained in that interaction? An awkward smile out of politeness?

If you are so keen on going out of your way to talk to her, don’t shout at her, tap her arm, or follow her. Just treat her like the human being that she is and strike up a genuine conversation.

OMIGAWD THAT’S GENIUS!

Okay, now I’m just being an ass.

Anyway, being the nice guy is hard and so is being a woman.

Good mornings can be scary and it sucks that it is that way, but welcome to the patriarchy; it sucks for everyone.

If you’re a nice guy, let her choose to figure that out on her own.

It’s as simple as that.

-O