rape[ reyp ]
noun
1. the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.
2. any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.
Nice guys don’t rape. But the scary thing about our culture is that I don’t know if you are a nice guy. I (like many women) am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, but even that is a risk. Most rapes against women are by men they know. We have been told in our culture to carry pepper spray, not walk alone at night, carry our keys so we can use them as a weapon if need be, all necessary and smart safety measures. However, when TWO THIRDS of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows and “38% of rapists are a friend or an acquaintance,” does giving you the benefit of the doubt seem like a worthwhile risk (http://www.rainn.org/statistics)? One out of every four women will be raped in college, and one out of every five will be raped in her life time (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soraya-chemaly/50-facts-rape_b_2019338.html). So the chances that you know someone who has been a victim of rape are high. But also, what are the chances that you know a man who has raped someone?
What would you do if you found out you were friends with a rapist? What would you do if you were a woman?
“But I am not a rapist!” you say. “I am a nice guy! I know good guys too! Stop being paranoid. You can’t go through life being scared and what do these statistics do?”
Stop being paranoid? Stop going through life scared? ONE IN FOUR WOMEN IS SEXUALLY ASSAULTED (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soraya-chemaly/50-facts-rape_b_2019338.html). EVERY TWO MINUTES SOMEONE IS RAPED (http://www.rainn.org/statistics).
Most of these women knew the men, they were friends, dates, neighbors. If I sound redundant, I need you to understand something: your female friends live in a world where the fear of rape is a constant hum in the background. We live with it, we work around it, we accept it. But it is there.
“Nice Guys” rape all the time. They go to your school, your church. They are standing across from you at the gas station, or in the check out line.
We live in a culture that blames women for their rapes. It’s in every “She’s asking for it with those shorts!” Or when we give legitimacy to the argument that women should cover up to “protect their brothers in Christ”. Where is my protection from “my brothers in Christ” who do not listen to my No? Who do not wait for my Yes? Who blame the woman for her clothes instead of blaming the man who forcefully inserted himself into her without her consent? Where is our protection?
We live in a culture where I am at risk for rape every day.
I worked at a restaurant where a bus boy told me he would get me drunk, tie me to the bed and have his way with me. He told me this at the host stand when we were alone. When I said it wasn’t funny, he said I forgot his sense of humor. Other female hosts were similarly harassed. But telling someone is hard. It is hard to explain the fear unless you have been in a similar situation. I wondered if I was overreacting. I wondered if I couldn’t take a joke. I wanted to get away, I wanted to stop the pounding in my heart. I wanted to talk to someone I trusted but the managers were friends with the bus boys. Would I be told to lighten up? Or laughed at?
Freshman year, I lived on a co-ed floor. One night I was hanging out with my friends when one of the guys walked by and slapped my ass. I didn’t like it, I didn’t want that type of physical contact. I told my RA. I was said “ I need to tell you something and don’t freak out but M slapped my ass…” She didn’t freak out. She laughed and said “That’s it?” She acted like I was overreacting and didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t want M to get in trouble. I just wanted validation that what he did wasn’t right. But instead I was embarrassed I had even brought it up. My other friend was like “If that bothers you, don’t go to the clubs in Saint Louis!”
I was at a party and I wandered off with a guy and was kissing him, pretty innocent stuff. When he tried to unzip his pants, I told him I didn’t want to have sex. He said he understood and we kissed for a couple more minutes and then he tried to unzip his pants again. At that point, I went inside. I didn’t want to deal with that.
These instances are the result of rape culture. Our words are not being heard. But changing rape culture is more than just listening to our No’s. It is listening when we tell you that we are/were harassed. And it is not blowing us off or blaming us when we don’t report the harassment and assaults that happen to us. Because the fear of being dismissed is real and it happens every day. Look at the rape blame that goes on around you. When politicians say getting pregnant makes certain rapes illegitimate. When those same politicians say that spousal rape could be a “Messy divorce tool” (Todd Akin, I’m lookin’ at you.) When women are blamed because they were drunk and couldn’t give consent and are told they should have known better. The biggest dismissal is unbelief: 50% of college students think a woman is lying about her rape. 2-8% are actual false claims. More importantly, only 3% of rapists ever see jail time (http://www.rainn.org/statistics, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soraya-chemaly/50-facts-rape_b_2019338.html).
20-25% of women are raped.
3% of their rapists see jail time.
If you are tired of this repetition, think how women feel.
It’s true, these statistics won’t stop rape directly. A rapist isn’t going to think “Well, huh, I don’t want to rape this woman now that I know that I probably won’t see jail time.” These statistics are to inform you. Look at your life and where you validate rape culture. Is it when you make a comment about how “slutty” a woman is dressed? Is it when you assume a woman is lying about her rape, or overreacting from an unwanted sexual encounter? Do you ask for a “Yes” before you kiss or touch a woman?
I fear rape. It is a part of my everyday life. If you are a man, you have the privilege to not experience this. This privilege also gives you the obligation to stand up for those who do experience. So ask your female friends about their experience with rape culture. Be prepared to listen. Don’t get upset when they tell you how living in a rape culture is like. You will not like what you hear; it will bother you. But continue listening.
Listen to our words.
-Flan
Welcome To The Patriarchy 
I was excited to read a new post. I didn’t even finish this article, and won’t, because you’re definition of rape singled out an entire gender. Right off the bat, your underlying message was: men are evil, women are victims. Feminism is the fight for equality, not female domination.
The real definition is as follows:
Rape (noun)
1. the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.
2. any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.
Thanks for the feedback! I changed the definition of rape because I think you are 100% right.
My intent wasn’t to make men evil and women the victims. I was writing a response to disbelief that I have personally received about how living in a rape culture is like. I was trying to convey that rape culture forces an every day response from women. And that the cultural idea of rape is the bad stranger attacking the woman on the street at night instead the person who knows the woman. And most women who are sexually assaulted are assaulted by someone they know. It’s hard for women because we at risk on the street but also around people we may know. I wasn’t trying to preach fear, just a commentary on why rape culture sucks for those affected.
Next week I am doing a part two on the sexual assault of men. Again, thanks for the feedback, I appreciated it! I hope you will reconsider finishing the article with these changes and part two coming next week!
-Flan
Pingback: The Missing Males | Stuphblog
I wish statistics for this sort of thing were actually good and not differing by source so much across the internet.
A lot of what I’ve seen says 1 in 5-6 women are sexually assaulted in college, of which rape is a subset. Then there’s claims like 1/4 college women are full-on raped.
If we take a look at the University of Arkansas, though, we get that in the last four years there were 11, 5, 2, and 9 forcible sex offenses (http://uapd.uark.edu/Clery_Report_2011.pdf). So for the last four years, we’ve had 27 reported forcible sex offenses (no non-forcible reported, which doesn’t surprise me, because few would bother to report those to police if it was an isolated incident). If we go with the oft-repeated claim that 90% of rapes aren’t reported, let’s call that 270 forcible sex offenses (though your link says 57% aren’t reported, which would change the math I’m about to do *a lot*).
Out of a population of undergraduates that’s ranged over the last four years from 15,300 to 19,100 and a 50% female attendance rate (though I think it’s closer to 55%), that’s 2.8% (at the low) – 3.4% (at the high) of undergraduate women that are forcibly sexually assaulted or raped. And that’s calling every reported incident true and only 10% of the total actual amount.
Something’s wrong when a lot of these claims don’t match up with the police reports. Is it wrong, looking at these numbers, to think that somebody might claim a fake rape from after-frat-party-regret to the police, while a *real* claim might go unreported from shame or “not wanting to hurt the guy?” Or that drunk guys at a party might not take “no” seriously when 39% of women report saying “no” and not meaning it as part of token resistance to seem pure/not slutty? (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/3379584) Both of those ideas are clear indicators that sex relations and rape are serious problems and need talking about, but sometimes the ideas and discussions behind *why* someone might think a claim is false or *why* someone might think no doesn’t mean no get buried under claims of misogyny.
I like this post, but there’s communication that needs to happen on both sides here, too, and transparency needs to be key.
Pingback: YOUR KIND OF LOVE ENDED TRUST FOR ME | hastywords
Reblogged this on MohadesaReverie and commented:
20-25% of women are raped, 3% of their rapists see jail time. If you are tired of this repetition, think how women feel.