The Bible Does NOT Condemn Homosexuality

http://notalllikethat.org/taking-god-at-his-word-the-bible-and-homosexuality/

Don Savage has created the NALT project, a video project inspired by the “It Gets Better” videos but this time for Christians who think that homosexuality isn’t wrong. NALT stands for Not All Like That and Savage is appealing to Christians to speak out against the hatred that mainstream “Christianity” is perpetuating against the LGBTQ community.

In this video John and Catherine Shore explain why the Bible DOESN’T condemn homosexuality. John Shore is a co-founder of NALT. Their video is straight-forward, loving, and makes sense. I recommend this video if you are a Christian who thinks homosexuality is wrong, if you are a Christian questioning the belief that homosexuality is wrong, if you are not a Christian but you want a resource to use to talk to people who are being hateful or if you just want to see good people being good and loving and Christ-like. Basically, everyone should watch this video because it’s awesome

Hair’s the Deal

Disclaimer:  This is a personal blog post. It is based on my experiences and what I have observed. This is not meant to speak for all women or men.

I was in the shower today and decided I didn’t have time to shave my legs. And when I got out, I put on a short dress. A year ago, I would have been like “NOPE” and worn jeans. But then last November, I decided to do “No Shave November”. I just wanted to re-experience my hair. Prior to last November I was shaving EVERYTHING, including my forearm hair. I know. Some people will think this is weird, but I did it. I just didn’t like hair on my body. So, in November, I decided to not shave or pluck anything. No more hairless legs, arm pits, vulva, arms, etc. I was going to be au natural baby.

So I was expecting it to be like “EWWWW! GROSS! I’M A HAIRY MANNNNN!!!”

And at first, it was like that. I was really bothered by my leg hair. It was prickly, uncomfortable, and rubbed against EVERYTHING. But then I was enamored by it. It seemed so incredibly and naturally sexy. It wasn’t gross so much as it was awesome. I felt very tuned in to what my body was creating and I stopped feeling ashamed about it.

Wanna talk about empowerment? I was empowered. I was woman. Feel my natural body. See my natural self. My body was and is my own. My hair was beautiful. I was beautiful. My inner acceptance was expressed through my outer acceptance. It was hippie and perhaps cliché, but it was meaningful. And when November was over, I shaved. But now I go a week or so without shaving my legs and it’s not a thing of shame. I stopped shaving my forearms. And I let my pubic hair grow out; I just do a little trimming now.

Porn culture has convinced us that hair is unattractive. Women are always completely shaven except for sometimes when they have a little patch of buzzed hair above their vulva. It’s like a cute, little, weird vulva hat. But men choose whether or not they can have hair or not. It’s not a “EW! GROSS! HAIR!.”

Hair on bodies is a natural part of puberty. Puberty, as a developmental process, is mostly celebrated for guys. Hair, larger penises, deepening voice, becoming taller; even “taboo” subjects are okay. “Oh you’re masturbating. Ah viral expression!”

However, puberty for girls is only briefly celebrated.

Oh, you got your period! Now you are a woman! AND A GIANT BITCH!

Oh, now you have boobs? COVER THEM UP TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY OR YOU’RE A SLUT!

Ew leg hair. We don’t even want to celebrate that. Here’s a razor.

So, suddenly there is a weird dichotomy about female puberty. You are supposed to be sexy, but still look like a child.

How do you feel about that porn now?

This dichotomy is seen most explicitly in the music industry. For example, the recent VMAs. Miley Cyrus danced around with a giant foam penis finger. But then also giant teddy bears. She can’t be a sexually active woman. She has to be a sexually active woman-child. This is where patriarchy gets creepy. Meanwhile, Robin Thicke, married and a father, gets to grind against a woman 16 years younger than him and gets very little criticism. He can dance-fuck a woman-child without any consequences, but Miley does what pop and porn culture tells her is sexy and she is still called out.

Because you have to be a sexy woman-child virgin who also has sex, but doesn’t have sex with more than one person, but isn’t a prude, but waits ‘til marriage, but also is sexy and has sex.

Not saying that Miley was CORRECT in her performance. Just pointing out that her dance drew a lot of flak for being EXACTLY WHAT OUR CULTURE SAYS IS SEXY. Kind of like how Robin Thicke’s video drew a lot of anger for basically being an exaggerated stereotype of popular music.

Pubic and body hair for women is a sign of sexual maturity, but women are told to shave and hide that.  And for some women, shaving makes them feel sexier and it is a choice they make for themselves. I admit, smooth legs are like HEAVEN and it can help in making me feel sexually attractive. But, there is a difference in feeling sexy if you decide to shave and being told by the popular culture you are not sexy and gross if you choose not to shave.

If I shave because it is my choice, awesome.

If I shave because the culture tells me that I am unattractive if I don’t, less awesome.

I should not be viewed as unattractive for allowing my body to manifest the signs of sexual maturity.

I should not be seen as gross for leaving my body’s natural protection against dirt, friction and exposure. (FYI: Shaving and waxing does increase the chances of STIs. So…. keep that in mind. The tiny abrasions and holes plus the warm, moist environment of the genitals make the perfect breeding ground for STI’s.)

Anyway, I think I am sexier because of my pubic hair. But when I am faced with overwhelming cultural pressure to remove it, I get self conscious. Hair is normal. Hair is good. AND I WILL NOT WAX MY ASSHOLE TO BE CONSIDERED A SEXY MATURE WOMAN!

-Flannery

WANTED: MO’ WRITERS

Aight, so here’s what’s up.

W2TP is obviously a feminist blog, but we at W2TP understand that patriarchy doesn’t affect just women.

It affects everyone:

Men, women, boys, girls, old, young, rich, poor, diabled, able-bodied, homosexuals, hetersexuals, bisexuals, asexuals, transgendered, gender-neutral, white people, brown people…and everyone else in between.

When we say e’er body, we mean E’ER BODY!

We need your voice.

One of the beautiful things about this blog is that you can share your story of how you’ve been affected by “the patriarchy” or “the system” or whatever you want to call it and no one can tell you that you’re wrong because that is your lens and your truth. Your perspective is your reality and we want you to share your reality with us.

We want you to share the experiences that most people don’t see on a daily basis. We want more voices to start talking about issues that people are afraid to talk about and we wanna bring it to the forefront of their minds.

This is how we make progress.

If you have a story or a poem or whatever it is that you want to share, contact us in the comment section because we want to hear more from you!

-O & F

Of Course You Didn’t Know That Was a Thing

A friend of mine asked a while back, “Why is it that Black feminists don’t want support from White feminists?”

The best answer that I can offer is that it’s because our goals are different. White feminists have been trying to insert themselves into the career world, gain equal pay and reproductive rights, defy gender stereotypes and all the typical stuff that you’ve probably seen and heard in the media. That’s not to say that Black feminists don’t want these things, but our history is very different from White women and because of that history we’re able to look at the world through a different lens that the majority does not have.

I’m going to call that the color lens.

The color lens is racial consciousness; it’s being aware of the struggle of people of color. It’s being aware of the privilege that you do not have as a person of color and especially as a woman of color, and how it puts you at a disadvantage. With the color lens, Black feminist are able to be more aware of the differences that we face in comparison to our White counterparts.

Historically, Black women having been working pretty much ever since we’ve been here and we acknowledge that being a housewife is a privilege that is not common for families of color because of the SUPER WIDE socioeconomic  wage gap between middle class White families and families of color. You should definitely take a hot minute to read up on that right here.

Here’s an example, in the book How to Be Black, one Black woman was fully aware of how someone she supervised was receiving more pay than her. According the National Women’s Law Center, Black women make 64 cents to a White man’s dollar with Hispanic women making 54 cents, which is a helluva a lot less than the 77 cents that you always hear about White women making all of the time. You probably never heard of these numbers before and there’s a reason for that:

Even in the world of feminism, there is a racial hierarchy that allows the most privileged to set the priorities, which is really shitty when you think about it because everyone wants equality. Unfortunately, not enough of the majority ( I am looking at you White people) are talking about the problems of women of color enough for it to get acknowledged in the national conversation despite strong evidence of glaring inequality.

Furthermore, Black feminists are aware of the lack of colorful faces in media and the lack of people that are supposed to represent us in Congress are few and far in between. For example, in ALL of our nation’s history we’ve had only 133 African American members in congress. In 2012, 44 were in the House with a whopping ZERO in the Senate.

CUZ ‘MURIKKKA!

On top of that, Black women are portrayed as beasts in many industries, but especially the porn industry whereas her White counterparts are viewed as objects. I can assure you that one is not better than the other, but you cannot begin to imagine the effect that that sort of shit has on personal relationships and the way men of our own race perceive us.  I mean really, “My bitch bad, my bitch good.” I love you Luda, but come on! You love your her so much you can’t think of a better word to call her other than a bitch–a female dog? A fucking animal? What a charmer.

Another perfect example is Scary Spice’s persona with the Spice Girls or how often people give Serena Williams crap for grunting when she’s playing tennis. How about Nicki Minaj constantly putting on her rawr-face or dancing in cages?  And did anyone see the photoshopped pictures of Beyonce looking like She-Hulk during her Superbowl performance? Or how all of the Black lady superheroes are inspired by animals?

‘Nuff said.

We’re also aware that our hair is political no matter how nonpolitical we want it to be because it is after all JUST hair, right?
We’re aware of how Slavery has devastated Black people socially, economically, and academically. And NO we cannot get over it even though it happened over 200 years ago because it’s still affecting us to this day in more ways than we can count on our fingers and toes so STOP telling us to not gripe over it you privileged jerk.

Yes, we know that the enslavement of Black people is not your fault. We know, we know, we know, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s still hurting us and that you have the capability to look the other way and CHOOSE to look the other way while we suffer.

We don’t want your pity or your  guilt because that’s not productive. We would appreciate some help by raising awareness about how slavery still affects Black people in present day Post-slavery America. I highly recommended reading the comical, yet informative How to Be Black before you start having those conversations with your friends.

Black feminists are also aware of the lack of post-secondary education for Black people in general. I mean really UofA, 5.2% of the student population is the best you can do? We ALL know for a fact the SEC region does NOT have a shortage of Black people that can be admitted to our institution with the admission standards that we currently have in place. Our school has an overall 17.4% of minority students and other schools have their numbers well above 50% because they’re actually trying. This state has a wealth of people of color that we’re not even tapping into and it is a shame that people of color continue to live in sick cycle of poverty as a result.

So ya see kids, Black feminism is very different in comparison to “overall” feminism, which is mostly just White feminism in disguise. The goals are different, the history is different, and the perspective is different, but we all want the same thing at the end of the day.

We all just want to be equal.

So what can you do? How can you support the Black feminist movement?

You can help support Black feminists and other feminists of color by talking about their struggles with other White people that aren’t aware of what I like to refer to as “The Struggle of Being Brown” because it is only then that we can wiggle our way into the national conversation and shed some light and what people of color go through and begin to make progress.

-O

An Update on D.C. Harassment

This is a follow-up to a previous article. You can read the original here.

 

I’ve received a lot of feedback from my last article on street harassment. To everyone who weighed in, I want to say thank you. You offered new perspectives and challenged me to think more critically of my own opinions. I’ve had a pretty severe change of heart since beginning the project and I think you all could use an update.

 

First, let me back up to the beginning. I need you to understand how overwhelming the street harassment was, especially after coming from a city where it happens so rarely. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t leave my apartment without being stared at or spoken to in a blatantly sexual way. I was objectified and degraded on a daily basis. To be clear, I’m not referring to any of the “ambiguous” street harassment I talked about in my last post. I’m talking about overt sexualization: men looking me up and down, calling me “sweetie,” complimenting my body, even offering me money for sex. Every day I experienced emotions ranging from annoyance to anger (and occasionally fear). Over time this took its toll: I began not only to despise harassment, but to dread it. I expected it at every moment. It reached a point where every time a man spoke to me I assumed he was sexualizing me, no matter how innocuous his remark. All I wanted was to be left alone, to not have to deal with wondering whether his “good morning” would turn into something more obscene.

 

After writing about this experience, many people responded telling me that it was sexist of me to treat all men negatively based on the actions of the few. At first I defended myself, saying that if a man wanted to speak to me he was free to do so in a bar or other social location, but that accosting me in the street would always be wrong. After several similar conversations, however, I decided I needed to test my theory that all street interactions are, at their core, harassment. To do this I began responding to the innocuous greetings (rather than ignoring them) to see if they would degenerate into harassment like I suspected.

 

The results were mixed. Often it seemed I was right: that the “hello” was merely a segway into a pre-planned “looking good, baby.” But I was surprised by how often I was wrong. Since I began responding to greetings, I’ve had several enjoyable conversations with men on the streets, as well as countless exchanges of “good morning” that have legitimately brightened my walks to work.

 

So, yes. I was wrong. I was sexist. I’m so grateful to those of you who pointed this out to me and enabled me to end my project with a healthier outlook on male-kind than I had after my first post.

 

I want to end with a reminder that street harassment is still certainly a problem. I still experience it daily, as do many women in DC and around the world. Approaching it the way I used to, by cutting myself off from interactions with men as a whole, is clearly wrong. But it must be approached somehow. Whether you’re a woman or a man, you can all stand up to the few men who see nothing wrong with degrading women as they pass by. Saying nothing only makes it possible for more women to cut themselves off from men like I once did.

 

Self-Empowerment: A Blurry Affair

Words are such an important element of empowerment. If reclaiming “bitch” or “slut” or “cunt” means that words that used to hurt are now positive terms of power for women, that’s a good thing right?

But what if the majority of people use those words as negative terms? Can we still be empowered by words that the majority of our culture uses to demean us?

I love to feel empowered. I love feeling totally in control on my body and choices and feeling like “FUCK YEAH BITCHES I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR MY POWER!”

I love reclaiming words. I had a really interesting discussion with friends the other night about reclaiming derogatory female based insults. Like “bitch” or “cunt”. “Bitch” seems to be reclaimed somewhat. I say things like “Bitch, I love you.” all the time. But “cunt” is still frowned upon? It’s the worst word that most people can say and it’s about a female vagina. So I get it. The fact that a slang word for my vagina is also an extreme insult for someone you hate is bad. But I have friends who use it in a positive sense (“you look cunty!” as slang for “you look awesome”). I don’t use “cunt” in my language. I used to say it though but I removed it from my swear vocabulary because I didn’t like the connotations. I have friends who don’t say “bitch” or “dick” or other gendered terms because using someone’s gender and genitalia as an insult because they feel like that is a poor way to foster equality between people.

What does empowerment mean? Can things that have been degrading be empowering? What about if only the individual feels empowered by the words or actions rather than the majority of the group? Take for instance the song “Blurred Lines” and how Robin Thick has said that the song is a mini “Feminist movement”:

 It’s supposed to stir conversation, it’s supposed to make us talk about what’s important and what the relationship between men and women is, but if you listen to the lyrics it says ‘That man is not your maker’ – it’s actually a feminist movement within itself.

I started thinking about this after reading this criticism of Robin Thicke’s music video “Blurred Lines” by Elizabeth Plank. Emily Ratajkowski, the brown haired model in the video in her interview in Esqure said “[The women] were directed to have a sort of confidence, a sarcastic attitude of the whole situation” and “The video is actually celebrating women and their bodies.”

Celebrating or exploiting?

Empowering or objecting?

Plank goes on to make this point:

 So what happens when the model in the song doesn’t think the video is objectifying, but other women do? In other words, if a woman is objectified by the viewer, but she isn’t objectifying herself, is she still an object?… Moreover, if Emily Ratajkowski is stripping down for the camera to point out the absurdity of music videos that portray women who strip down for the camera to the point of absurdity, but her ironic wink isn’t understood by her audience, is it still subversive? The short answer is yes. Sexism can’t be ironic because we’re still not over it.

I can’t see how the nudity or the “eye contact” in the video is empowering. The women are trapped. There is a moment when Thicke blows his cigarette smoke in the blonde model’s face and she continues to stare at the camera, her nose wrinkled in disgust. But she does not move. She does not act like “Yo. Blowing your cigarette smoke DIRECTLY AT MY FACE is a shitty ass move, so I’m gonna shake my bare ass away from your clothed misogyny.” She stands there, sad, her nose wrinkled, trapped.

I am not empowered by that. The message there is that my body belongs to a man, to do with as he pleases, when he pleases.

If the video is supposed to be ironic, well, it’s too subtle. The “irony” (and/or consent) in the song and music video is a definite blurred line between absurdity and cultural norms.

The nudity wasn’t empowering. (You want to see empowering boobs? Check out The Nu Project. Real women, participating in a healing project of what women’s bodies really look like.) The ironic eye contact wasn’t powerful. Mod Carousel made a parody of the video. Switching genders suddenly makes the whole experience weirder. First of all, a man’s bare chest isn’t taboo, but then you have that juxtaposed with the fact all the men are in thongs and make-up which is frowned upon. But then Mod Carousel said this about their video:

We made this video specifically to show a spectrum of sexuality as well as present both women and men in a positive light, one where objectifying men is more than alright and where women can be strong and sexy without negative repercussions.

WHYYYYYYY. Why can’t we have show sex in a positive light without one gender being objectified? That’s not okay. People aren’t objects. I LOVE the Mod Carousel version of the song. I love the question it raises about our culture, sexual expression and sexism. But we can’t fix objectification with more objectification. That’s why Thicke’s “feminist movement” doesn’t work.

There is a difference between enjoying a song and feeling empowered. I enjoy Blurred Lines. I can dance to it; it’s fun to listen to; I’ll turn it up when it comes on the radio. But entertainment should not be where we seek our empowerment.

In the same way, I feel that we shouldn’t seek empowerment from words that are still used to express hate towards us. I am much more empowered by the word “Woman” than I am by “Bitch” because I see the strength of my friends and peers who are fighting to make being a woman a positive thing. But I understand how this might NOT be empowering if you were trans* or non-gender conforming. I am solidly cis-gendered. I am empowered by seeing bodies in positive lights, both sexual and non-sexual. Empowerment means that you gain strength, courage from something. So, if you are empowered from “Blurred Lines” or terms like “Bitch” and “Cunt” then, okay. What are your thoughts? Can empowerment really come from something that had once been used (or is still being used) to convey weakness?

-Flan

I Wrote You a Letter

This was a letter to my friend. If you just don’t get it, fear not, this letter is also for you.

Dearest Friend,

I wrote a mini essay. I’m not sorry about it. I am sorry in advance for any typos or missing words that you find while reading this. I just got off work and started writing. I appreciate that you are genuinely trying to understand where I’m coming from. It also means that you’re willing to listen to what I have to say, so I’ll just start where I see fit and see where it goes from there.

First of all let’s establish some credibility: I’m not expert. I’m not perfect. Sometimes I question if I’m wrong, and if I am, I will accept the criticisms and learn from it. That’s how I get smarter. What’s different between me and most of the people that you’re talking to about feminism is that I’m well-read in this area. I’ve written papers, watched videos, documentaries, interviews, read scholarly articles, essays, dissertations, social criticisms, and a whole lotta other shit. Not everyone is like that. Not everyone is an intellectual. I’m not trying to sound like an elitist, but I know more about feminism and social justice than your average bear. I welcome the questions and the curiosity, but you’ve got to be willing to hear it. Otherwise, it’ll be like talking to brick wall and based on of what you’ve told me that is what you’re experiencing when you try to get feedback from other people.

One of the coolest things I learned in my gender class this past year is that talking about certain things is going to make people feel uncomfortable, which is a normal reaction. For example, I was uncomfortable with being valued as a lesser individual than most people in our society, while others had to find a way to deal with the discomfort of having more privilege and being valued as more. So, if what I start to talk about makes you feel uncomfortable it’s good because we’re going to explore new territories and learn something as a result.

So to start, one of the things I learned in Advanced Lit. in high school is that definitions of words in dictionaries are never wholesome. Otherwise, things like poetry, literature, and speeches lose the beauty of their meaning. What dictionaries rarely tell you about certain words are their connotations and in certain contexts how the meanings of those words change. For example, the word nigga can be thrown around in rap songs and occasionally between a group of Black people. I can’t entirely explain why that is, but it is what it is. However, when Paula Dean drops the word nigga (or nigger), all hell breaks loose because the meaning is different.

The reason I brought that up is because the words female and girl and woman are not the same for me. I knew that you meant no harm at all. I knew that, but I felt that it was right for me to explain to you how those words are not interchangeable. It probably made English a little harder, but it was my way of sparing you from an awkward conversation in the future with a boss or someone important. I’m also not one to just let people go with things like that. I call people out and I’m not shy about it. If some say that’s gay or retarded or they raped an exam or how they got gypped, I will call them out and tell them why I called them out because it’s a learning moment. The first time I learned about it, my teacher corrected me in front of 50 peers and she did it to every student for the entire semester because they are not interchangeable and she explained why. It’s not something to be taken personally, it’s just a learning moment. Furthermore, that type of language is a byproduct of patriarchy, which brings me to my next point.

Patriarchy, to me, is not the definition that you find the dictionary. It’s much more than that. Patriarchy isn’t just living in a society that is dominated by men, but it is an important factor–I’ll write about that more in a minute. Patriarchy is the system that perpetuates ranking or castes systems in our culture via privilege. It trickles down to race, gender, sexuality, masculinity, femininity, able-bodiedness, education, socioeconomic status, basic rights, and so much more. Those things trickle down to clothing and sports and restrictions on what is and isn’t the norm. Patriarchy is the system that hurts and oppresses every single one of us, men and women alike. So when you offer wack solutions like matriarchy (no offense) I laugh because they aren’t any better than what we have now. It just puts people with different sex organs in power and that’s not what feminism is about. Feminists want equality; I want equality.

A true feminist should probably be called something like an equalist–yes I am borrowing this term from a children’s show. Some people confuse it with communism, socialism, and extremist behavior, but that is not it (although some feminists will argue that capitalism perpetuates patriarchy). A true feminist just wants equality at the core. Equal representation, equal rights, equal opportunities, and to not be objectified or seen as a child vessel or breeder over the human being that she is. That is feminism. I’ll tie it back into patriarchy in a minute, but we’re gonna hop topics first.

In patriarchal societies, women are valued as lesser beings. Lighter skin is more valued that dark skin. Large, strong, masculine men are valued more than effeminate, smaller men. Homosexuality and even monogamy is seen as something outside of the norm despite the fact that research shows that every single species of mammal displays homoerotic and occasionally polygamist behavior. It’s society and the system of patriarchy that suggests otherwise.

To answer your question about male-dominated societies, this ideology that men hold power more than women throughout the course of history is a bit of a fluke. In regards to western culture, it’s something that’s been a thing since the Roman Empire and the development of Christianity with Eve, the first woman, being a temptress that tricked Adam, the first man, into eating the fruit and single-handedly ruining paradise because of a serpent. However, women in other cultures have ruled just as much as men. Cleopatra, Nefertiti, Queen Victoria, Queen Elizabeth I, Empress Dowager Cixi. It’s weak research that argues that men and women are not equal or that men and women think differently, but it’s crap. Research needs to be looked at very critically because not all findings are strong and just because someone is a doctor doesn’t mean that they know jack shit. It’s okay to question authority because authority is not always right. You have men body builders and women body builders. You’ve got men and women in science, in politics, in math, in classrooms, in business and in religion.

Here’s another gimmick: women take up much less space than men in every sense of the word in our culture. Women are quieter, strive to be smaller (because smallness is deemed attractive), cross their legs, and they are generally awkward in playing sports. This isn’t natural, it’s learned behavior. Teach little girls to wear dresses, skirts, and heels because it’s feminine and then tell them to not show their underwear while playing. Suddenly you have little girls that can’t climb trees, play on monkey bars, go down slides, or run. Little boys, however, are louder, wear pants, get dirty, and can do so much more because of not wearing skirts and 4 inch stilts. With this mindset while growing up, it follows men and women into adulthood and becomes a product of patriarchy. This is one of the reasons why men are successful. They’re comfortable speaking up, speaking loudly, and being aggressive and forward (which are important leadership skills) while women are told that they should be seen and not heard while growing up. When women do act like “men,” for example Margaret Thatcher or Hillary Clinton, they called things like bitches, monsters, witches and so much more.

To talk about how patriarchy works, research shows that people who are rich control what is valued in a society. Unfortunately in western culture, most of the rich people are middle-aged white men. They own tv networks, production companies, publishing companies, and radio stations. They own a lot of things that illustrate their values and when those values trickle down to people like you and I, we either accept them or reject them. Sadly a lot of people blindly accept these values and strive to insert them into their own lives. Black women bleach their skin to be lighter and wear weaves to have long hair that looks “normal” and euro-centric. White women are burning their skin to get darker and straighten their hair. Men are going to the gym and working out to get bigger and banging chicks to show their masculinity. There’s so much more depth to this is the system of patriarchy, but the point is that it’s all fucked up and it sucks for all of us.

Throughout my life I’ve always felt it. The wrongness of what was expected of me. I always questioned the norm and authority. My mother actually encouraged that sort of behavior. So I spoke my mind when they told me to hush in class, I did sports when I wasn’t supposed to, and I cut my hair when it was supposed to be pretty and long. I laugh as loud as I want, sing and dance when I want, kiss who I want, and it’s liberating to not be bound by those expectations. Men are expected to be tall, strong, have jobs, date and fuck “beautiful” women that are feminine. Men are expected to not display emotions or talk about their feelings because that’s girlie and when men do those things they get called pussies and sissies. The worst thing a man can be called is a woman. That’s patriarchy hurting both of us.

So how do we fight patriarchy? We talk about it. We have uncomfortable conversations. We learn from each other. We do research. We read books. We take action. We write to senators, protest, and get on soapboxes. We fight back for what’s ours and break norms like nobody’s business. You destroy patriarchy by being true to yourself, by being human and treating everyone else around you like they are human too.

I hope this inspires more questions. I still want to grab beers.

-O

How the Verdict Affects All of Us

This post rated P for potentially controversial.

Think about what it’s like to be ground down to things that  you have no control over.

To my government, to my peers, to the many people I walk by every day, I am my skin. I am a vagina.

Those are my identifiers. I am Black. I am a woman female.

It does not matter what I’ve done, did or am doing.

For the rest of my life I am a quota.

I am my body; I am an object.

Let that sink in.

For everything that I have ever done, I will be discredited and second guessed for what I am.

For the rest of my life I am not just a friend, I am “the black friend.”

I’m not just a student; I am “the black student.”

I am not just an employee; I am “the black employee.”

I am not equal. I am not the norm. I am not the majority.

Majority rules. It literally rules.

Because I am a minority, because I am different, I do not count and I do not matter.

I am Travyon Martin.

Police brutality has been around for decades and unfortunately Trayvon is one of thousands, but today one of my friends asked me how I personally felt about the verdict.

I felt frustrated.

I felt like our president, our leader didn’t take a stance.

I felt like justice wasn’t served.

I felt hopeless.

I felt like everything that I talked about from race to privilege meant nothing.

I felt like fighting was ruthless.

I felt angry.

I felt crushed.

I felt depressed.

I felt like we took two steps backwards.

I felt like I was not human.

I felt the patriarchy.

And I laid in my bed and I sobbed because I know that will never see the day where the people around me will see me as a human being.

I questioned everything that I stood for and I wondered if it was worth it anymore. I questioned why I blogged about patriarchy and why I bothered getting out of bed every morning.

The verdict made me want to cease to exist in a world where I am nothing more than my ebony skin and my sex organs and I felt like dying because of what I am even though I have no control over it.

When I shared these feelings with my closest friends, we all started crying because we all felt the same frustrations. Then they reminded me to not give up and they said these words to me:

” MLK once said ‘I have seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land!’ The likelihood is that none of us will live to see a world of peace and equality… But the world is slowly moving in that direction and our actions today are invaluable in getting us there.”

And through our tears we talked about apathy and how people didn’t give a damn because it didn’t affect them and this quote came up:

“First they came for the communists,
and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a communist.

Then they came for the socialists,
and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a Jew.

Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a Catholic.

Then they came for me,
and there was no one left to speak for me.”

Whether you care or not, people are fighting for you. We are fighting for you. I am fighting for you. Trayvon is fighting for you. And while it may feel like we are getting nowhere and while we may never see the promise land we are going to die trying to get there.

We live in a world that is in a terrible condition and it may feel like everything is going to shit and that nothing matters anymore, but don’t give up hope. Keep pushing. Keep talking. Keep fighting. We do it not for ourselves, but for each other and for our children’s children.

In the great words of Margaret Atwood, “Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.”  

-O

Let’s Talk Rape Part One

rape[ reyp ]
noun
1. the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.
2. any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.

Nice guys don’t rape. But the scary thing about our culture is that I don’t know if you are a nice guy. I (like many women) am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, but even that is a risk. Most rapes against women are by men they know. We have been told in our culture to carry pepper spray, not walk alone at night, carry our keys so we can use them as a weapon if need be, all necessary and smart safety measures. However, when TWO THIRDS of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows and “38% of rapists are a friend or an acquaintance,” does giving you the benefit of the doubt seem like a worthwhile risk (http://www.rainn.org/statistics)? One out of every four women will be raped in college, and one out of every five will be raped in her life time (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soraya-chemaly/50-facts-rape_b_2019338.html). So the chances that you know someone who has been a victim of rape are high. But also, what are the chances that you know a man who has raped someone?

What would you do if you found out you were friends with a rapist? What would you do if you were a woman?

“But I am not a rapist!” you say. “I am a nice guy! I know good guys too! Stop being paranoid. You can’t go through life being scared and what do these statistics do?”

Stop being paranoid? Stop going through life scared? ONE IN FOUR WOMEN IS SEXUALLY ASSAULTED (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soraya-chemaly/50-facts-rape_b_2019338.html). EVERY TWO MINUTES SOMEONE IS RAPED (http://www.rainn.org/statistics).

Most of these women knew the men, they were friends, dates, neighbors. If I sound redundant, I need you to understand something: your female friends live in a world where the fear of rape is a constant hum in the background. We live with it, we work around it, we accept it. But it is there.

“Nice Guys” rape all the time. They go to your school, your church. They are standing across from you at the gas station, or in the check out line.

We live in a culture that blames women for their rapes. It’s in every “She’s asking for it with those shorts!” Or when we give legitimacy to the argument that women should cover up to “protect their brothers in Christ”. Where is my protection from “my brothers in Christ” who do not listen to my No? Who do not wait for my Yes? Who blame the woman for her clothes instead of blaming the man who forcefully inserted himself into her without her consent? Where is our protection?

We live in a culture where I am at risk for rape every day.

I worked at a restaurant where a bus boy told me he would get me drunk, tie me to the bed and have his way with me. He told me this at the host stand when we were alone. When I said it wasn’t funny, he said I forgot his sense of humor. Other female hosts were similarly harassed. But telling someone is hard. It is hard to explain the fear unless you have been in a similar situation. I wondered if I was overreacting. I wondered if I couldn’t take a joke. I wanted to get away, I wanted to stop the pounding in my heart. I wanted to talk to someone I trusted but the managers were friends with the bus boys. Would I be told to lighten up? Or laughed at?

Freshman year, I lived on a co-ed floor. One night I was hanging out with my friends when one of the guys walked by and slapped my ass. I didn’t like it, I didn’t want that type of physical contact. I told my RA. I was said “ I need to tell you something and don’t freak out but M slapped my ass…” She didn’t freak out. She laughed and said “That’s it?” She acted like I was overreacting and didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t want M to get in trouble. I just wanted validation that what he did wasn’t right. But instead I was embarrassed I had even brought it up. My other friend was like “If that bothers you, don’t go to the clubs in Saint Louis!”

I was at a party and I wandered off with a guy and was kissing him, pretty innocent stuff. When he tried to unzip his pants, I told him I didn’t want to have sex. He said he understood and we kissed for a couple more minutes and then he tried to unzip his pants again. At that point, I went inside. I didn’t want to deal with that.

These instances are the result of rape culture. Our words are not being heard. But changing rape culture is more than just listening to our No’s. It is listening when we tell you that we are/were harassed. And it is not blowing us off or blaming us when we don’t report the harassment and assaults that happen to us. Because the fear of being dismissed is real and it happens every day. Look at the rape blame that goes on around you. When politicians say getting pregnant makes certain rapes illegitimate. When those same politicians say that spousal rape could be a “Messy divorce tool” (Todd Akin, I’m lookin’ at you.) When women are blamed because they were drunk and couldn’t give consent and are told they should have known better. The biggest dismissal is unbelief: 50% of college students think a woman is lying about her rape. 2-8% are actual false claims. More importantly, only 3% of rapists ever see jail time (http://www.rainn.org/statistics, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soraya-chemaly/50-facts-rape_b_2019338.html).

20-25% of women are raped.

3% of their rapists see jail time.

If you are tired of this repetition, think how women feel.

It’s true, these statistics won’t stop rape directly. A rapist isn’t going to think “Well, huh, I don’t want to rape this woman now that I know that I probably won’t see jail time.” These statistics are to inform you. Look at your life and where you validate rape culture. Is it when you make a comment about how “slutty” a woman is dressed? Is it when you assume a woman is lying about her rape, or overreacting from an unwanted sexual encounter? Do you ask for a “Yes” before you kiss or touch a woman?

I fear rape. It is a part of my everyday life. If you are a man, you have the privilege to not experience this. This privilege also gives you the obligation to stand up for those who do experience. So ask your female friends about their experience with rape culture. Be prepared to listen. Don’t get upset when they tell you how living in a rape culture is like. You will not like what you hear; it will bother you. But continue listening.

Listen to our words.

-Flan

How to Compliment: A Message for The Nice Guys

Based on the comments from the last two posts, women seem to know what we’re talking about in regards to street harassment and men seem confused.

Men (especially Nice Guys), I dedicate this to you.

Lemme break it down.

Almost every women fears men every day.

Yes, I know that is very hard to believe, but hear me out.

Women fear dangerous men, but no one knows what a dangerous man looks like so every man is treated as a potential threat until assumed otherwise.

Crazy, but real.

Can you describe what dangerous man looks like and where he lurks?

No. Because a dangerous man just looks like a man.

To further emphasize my point, harassment and sexual assault happens everywhere.

On the street.

In the work place.

In the classroom.

At parties.

Behind closed doors.

In public.

At work.

In child care.

In the privacy of our own bedrooms.

Any simple action from a man is enough to make any woman feel scared including an innocent “Good morning.”

Why?

Because women live in a rape culture.

We live in a culture that tells us that it’s okay to chase a woman and tell her that you love her when she clearly doesn’t want to be loved by you.

We live in a culture that tells us that it’s okay to kiss a woman when you didn’t even ask her if it was okay first.

We live in a culture that teaches women to take self-defense classes, carry pepper spray, and walk in groups at night over teaching people to not take advantage of women.

Women live in a rape culture.

Women live in a constant state of fear of getting hurt.

24/7.

I know. It’s crazy and it sucks.

Example:

Today, I went to a coffee shop with my friend in the afternoon and I was very wary of the small old man standing close behind me. While he was probably harmless I was nervous and uncomfortable that he was standing so close to me. I wondered if he was going to try and touch me or whisper in my ear. I worried that he trying to smell me or something.

I took two steps forward to create space and he still walked up enough for me to feel his breath on my neck. For all I know he could have been daydreaming about unicorns.

But my point is that I was legitimately scared.

Here’s another example:

Yesterday, I was chatting with a colleague who was telling a story about how her guy friend used to take a short cut through the woods to get home. Then one day he asked her why she took the long way home every time.

Women can walk through the woods, but not safely because in the back of our heads we know that it’s a perfect place to get raped, murdered, buried and rot.

Men rarely have to think like that because of male privilege, which means not having to worry about things like constantly protecting yourself.

Another example:

Before a date, my girlfriends and I tell each other the first and last name of the guy we’re going out with, where we’re going, where he lives, and how to come and get us in case things get bad. Then, we call each other when we get home to make sure that we’re okay.

That is what rape culture is. It always being on-guard, it’s always thinking of the worst, and it’s being always ready for fight or flight. It’s a constant state of fear.

And it sucks.

It sucks for you. It sucks for us.

Dangerous or not, you are being held accountable for the acts of few and it sucks.

It sucks because a genuine “Good morning” or even a simple compliment is going to make her question if you are trying to take advantage of her.

For almost every man that interacts with a woman, especially strangers, most women will briefly (as in a few milliseconds) question if that man is dangerous.

Is it fair? No, but it’s better for her to be safe than sorry.

So what can you do as a Nice Guy?

Be conscious about your approach.

That’s it.

Here’s an example of a simple exchange:

You spot a beautiful woman reading a book on a bench as you’re walking your dog in the morning. You’re going to say something to her.

STOP!

You probably shouldn’t bother ANYONE in the middle reading a book EVER because that’s just frustrating. The best thing you could is leave her alone because she clearly does not want to be engaged with the outside world.

That’s how it should work. You don’t know if five other guys already walked by and did the exact same thing that you wanted to do. And she’s clearly not interested in wanting to hear that she’s beautiful.

Yes, she’s super pretty. I get it, but she wants to read her book. I don’t care if you think she’s the love of your life; she is physically sitting in a “Do Not Disturb” position.

“If you speak to a woman who is otherwise occupied, you’re sending a subtle message. It is that your desire to interact trumps her right to be left alone.” – Sweet Machine

Also, being told that you’re beautiful is kind of like a scene from this movie:

How to Offend a Woman in Five Syllables or Less

Yes, it’s a compliment, but in that moment you tell her that her value is based on her beauty. In that moment you disturbed her to tell her that you think she is ONLY worth talking to AS A RESULT of being pretty when she’s not interested. In that moment, you believe that you have the right to tell her that she is beautiful just because you think you’re doing something nice by complimenting her since you believe she is only desirable and worth talking to solely based on her physical appearance.

That is street harassment.

Please don’t do that.

It’s uncomfortable and it’s scary.

Some women might enjoy that, but plenty find it annoying after a while. You are one person in a long string of people that have told her this throughout her life.

What was gained in that interaction? An awkward smile out of politeness?

If you are so keen on going out of your way to talk to her, don’t shout at her, tap her arm, or follow her. Just treat her like the human being that she is and strike up a genuine conversation.

OMIGAWD THAT’S GENIUS!

Okay, now I’m just being an ass.

Anyway, being the nice guy is hard and so is being a woman.

Good mornings can be scary and it sucks that it is that way, but welcome to the patriarchy; it sucks for everyone.

If you’re a nice guy, let her choose to figure that out on her own.

It’s as simple as that.

-O